Thursday, May 22, 2014

Round 2. Ding. Ding.

Well, apparently once was not enough.  In our last post we "Reviewed the Reviewers" who brought shame to themselves and to their "craft" for their poor reviews of mezzo-soprano, Tara Erraught.  In case you don't want to read the last post, I'll catch you up: Ms Erraught sang Octavian in Der Rosenkavalier.  The reviewers loved her singing.  Then the called her fat and ugly.  FOR NO REASON.  We here at Bari-Chunks took it upon ourselves to review the looks of the reviewers.  We laughed, we cried, it was better than Cats.

Along with our minuscule efforts, many in the art world have done their best to shame the reviewers for their unnecessary personal attacks, as well as poorly written reviews.  You would think that would be the end of it, but oh no...

"Critic" Rupert Christiansen (and part time adult video store clerk) proudly said it was his job to report what he saw, and said "I stand by every word."  We, at Bari-Chunks stand by our words as well when we say that you smell horrible (once again, see previous post).

As if that wasn't enough, ass-clown Quentin Letts from Daily Mail weighed in on the issue.  Here's the link to what he said, but here are the cliff notes:

"She has the face and figure of a goodish pork pie."
"...looks as though she has been at the biscuit barrel."
The rest of the article is him just quoting himself.  What narcissistic a dick stick.

Well, shit.  I thought we were done with this crap.  Guess not.  So let me stretch out here at bit, lace up my gloves, and shove my mouth piece back in my mouth.  Someone ring the bell.  Round 2.

Quick bio of Quentin Letts-

Born Quentin Potter, Mr Letts soon changed his name when he realized he couldn't possibly face the Dark Lord due to a serious magical aliment.  (He couldn't get his wand up if you know what I mean...) His father, a wax figure of Sir Elton John and his mother, a constipated ostrich left him outside a veterinary clinic in hopes that they would find him a good home.  The Swedish vet and his wife found the young boy and immediately made him a comfortable bed.  In the stable.  There he was raised by the horse, Ralph, and a blind goose name Mrs Honkers.  

Portrait courtesy of Olan Mill Studios

Mr Letts's youth was not an easy one.  Constantly ridiculed for his hunchback by his brother Arthur, Quentin developed serious depression and struggled with his own sexual identity.  At the age of 10, he was arrested on suspicion of having the materials for building a bomb.  It was later determined that the 10lbs of manure, cough syrup, 4 Granny Smith apples, and a rectal thermometer were for "...alternate uses." 

After Mrs Honkers passed away, Quentin started hanging around with a bad crowd, causing his father to disown him.  Cut off from his daily hay supply, he was forced to do many, many unspeakable things to earn a living.  None worse than his short lived time as a male escort for show dogs.  He was fired for developing feelings for, and stalking, one of his clients...

"That is NOT a brush!" - Joe Cocker Spaniel

After several other failed jobs, including a night shift manager at Arby's, he found work ringing the bell at Notre Dame.  For once, his hunchback had come in handy!  He was able to move in with his partner, Ms Maxi Pad, whom he met on   
"I love it when you call me big Kotex"

Ms Pad had her issues with Mr Letts, and in 1995, she abruptly left him, screaming as she left "Talking to you about female orgasms is like explaining physics to a drunk chicken!"  Slipping back into a heavy depression, he began drinking excess amounts of Appletini's and Blue Pucker.  He was banned from several local pubs, and 6 of the 7 European Applebee's. He began to camp out in front of said establishments, taking sad selfies and is quoted as saying to patrons as they entered "My penis has been is half the glasses in that place.  Good luck!"

"My mom thinks I'm special" 

Mr Letts knew he had to get his life back on track.  After a 19 month stay in rehab, Mr Letts set out to find his purpose in life.  He applied to be an astronaut, but was quickly dismissed after NASA discovered he had a rare form of Hand, Foot, Mouth disease called Hoof, Nipple, Manboob disease.  How he contracted this ailment was not released.  

I'm stuck in here....

He applied to be a back up singer for the New Kids on the Block but was dismissed for not having any writing talent or original thought....and he was hitting on Danny constantly.  

Is this what the kids think is "funky fresh"? Like the Fresh Prince?...MY MOM LOVES MY HAT!

In 2008, he took his lack of writing skills and put them to work as a critic.  He was originally turned down by the Daily Mail but they later reversed their decision after he threatened to sue them because their free coffee burned his genitals.  There he has written countless worthless reviews, and several books that are used all over the UK as white elephant holiday gifts.  

In 2013, Quentin had a now famous melt down during a TV interview, where he admitted he hasn't seen a woman naked in 24 years, and that he has no talent.  What so ever.  This came as a surprise to no one.  

It's ok.  Let it all out.

Wow, he's had quite the life.  But seriously, what an ass hat!  His pictures all look like he's got a hand shoved up his pooper and somebody is working him like a muppet.  He looks like his own shadow doesn't want to hang around with him.  I bet he and his imaginary friend, Rock Marblebutt, stay up all night in their bunk beds writing down all the names of people who said he would never amount to anything so that one day they could 'show them.'  

But if I could offer a word of advice to Ms Erraught, I would just say this- pay this guy no mind.  Or any of them for that matter.  They are not worth your time.  These "men" have probably never even talked to a woman, much less one as good looking as you are.  This guy Quentin is so disrespected in the UK, he has several blogs dedicated to just shitting on him.  I searched his name and this pic came up

And the others are no better.  You on the other hand, are better.  What doesn't kill us will make us stronger.  After this, you'll be made of steel and they will hopefully be out of a job.  


  1. I'm not sure where you come up with this-- but that's awesome! If I ever get torn apart by a bunch a jerk critics, I sure as hell want you on my side!!