Dating a Hunk, or Dating a Chunk

Recently, an article entitled "How to Date an Opera Singer" has been making the rounds on the interwebs.  You might have missed it due to the enormous amount of ALS #IceBucketChallenges, but it was a good quick read.  This got me and some of my friends thinking about the different types of opera singers and what it is like to date them.  And if there is two types of opera singers we know know best, it is Barihunks, and Bari-Chunks.

There are many differences between the Bari-Chunks Nation and the Barihunk World.  This is painfully obvious to anyone with eyes...or ears...or mouths filled with kale instead of cake balls.  But what's it like to date one?  What makes Barihunks tick, and what makes Bari-Chunks tock. Jessica Rosen, thedeparted, and Etta van Bourbon sat down and composed this comparison.  Now granted, this is only based on our experiences and wild accusations, but we feel this is something everyone will benefit from reading.

1. Barihunk: If you've fallen head over heels for a Barihunk, you've fallen for a leading man, or someone hoping to be a leading man.  This is important to know.  Because with a leading man, IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM.  Remember that.

Bari-Chunk: If you've fallen for a Bari-Chunk, you've fallen for a secondary man.  It's rarely about him, unless it's his Birthday.

2. Barihunk: If he has a show that day (or within the next calendar month), do what ever he needs you to do.  This includes sex, food, water, sleep, etc.  "I have a performance tonight that could make my career!"

Bari-Chunk: If he has a show that day, you might want to remind him.  There are many more important things in the world than a show.  "I have a show tonight?  Better put on pants."

3. Barihunk: Always carry hair products for him.  A bad hair day for him could cost him 10's of fans.

Bari-Chunks: Always carry bacon.

4. Barihunk: Flirting with other people is part of the job.  As a handsome leading man, he HAS to flirt with girls, boys, dogs, cats, Grandma, those baristas, that squirrel over there, etc.  His flirting could lead to a gig, or free hair care.  And it makes him feel good about his image.  This is one of those things you are just going to have to deal with.  (See #1)

Totally asking for it.

Bari-Chunk: You might have to get used to the fact that he talks dirty to pizza. There was also that one incident of croissant fondling...

so warm....

5. Barihunk: Sex is important to him, and he needs it.  Especially before gigs.  It might seem demanding, but he knows what he needs to have a good show.

Bari-Chunk: Sex is awesome.  We will do anything for you if you let us have it. Seriously. Anything.

6. Barihunk: After a show, you must be prepared to stroke the ego.  Tell him how good he looked on stage and how wonderful he sounded.  Also, be patient as he talks to donors, patrons, and fans.  It's best just to stay out of his way during this.

Bari-Chunk: Be prepared to tell him where the nearest open bar is.  It's way past beer:30.

7. Barihunk: If you get sick, please understand that he can't get what you've got.  He might stay in a hotel for awhile, but it's nothing personal.

Bari-Chunk: "I know you're sick, but can we still make out?"

8. Barihunk- Respect his gym time.  This is important.  His chiseled physique is one of his greatest weapons in the operatic world.

And what if this is the day he gets that coveted Bowflex endorsement?!

Bari-Chunk: Respect his video game time.  This is important.  His 14-0 season on Madden '14 is one of his greatest bragging rights.

9. Barihunk: Understand that while rehearsing and performing a show, he might seem distant.  He might seem to spend more time with his other leading colleagues than you.  It's ok.  This is still part of the job.

Bari-Chunk: Understand that he might lose some money in the backstage poker games.  He is sorry about that.

Not my whole "La cena e pronta" fee again!

10. Barihunk: Be willing to listen to him explain who the greatest Baritone of the 1980's was.

Bari-Chunk:  Be willing to listen to him explain who would win in a fight between Batman and Ironman.  (It would totally be Batman)

So, there you go.  We hope this helps all of you in the operatic dating pool.  There might be many differences between the Barihunk World and the Bari-Chunk Nation, but what is more impressive is what unites us - our love for the art form that is opera.  And pizza.  Everybody loves pizza.

Post Script-
Please remember that this is a satirical blog.  We're just having a little fun.  I feel I need to reiterate

this fact because most of the Barihunk world is a lot stronger than me, and could kick my ass.

ALS #IceBucketChallenge

Hello Bari-Chunks Nation!  Thought I'd take a bit of a break from the opera world and talk about something serious for a couple of seconds - people dumping ice over their heads.  It's a serious problem in America.  Hundreds, if not thousands, are dumping ice cold water over there head while being recorded.  It has gotten out of control...

But seriously, this challenge is a good thing.  The purpose of the #IceBucketChallenge is to raise awareness and funds for a worthy cause, ALS.  Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also known as Lou Gehrig's disease, is very serious and fatal disease that affects 30,000 Americans.  It is a motor neuron disease that causes nerve cells to break down and die. There is no treatment or cure, and victims of the disease slowly lose control of their body.  It is not a fun disease.  My grandfather, Kenneth Albertson, passed away from ALS in 1985.  I remember as a young child, watching him slowly lose his ability to speak, walk, swallow food, etc.  It was not pretty.

Not enough is known about ALS.  The #IceBucketChallenge is helping to raise awareness about a disease that FAR too little is known about.  Many theories have surrounded about how the #IceBucketChallenge came to be, and why people are doing it, and whether you have to donate if you do the #IceBucketChallenge, etc etc etc.  But does any of that really matter?  A disease that gets little attention is becoming part of the national vocabulary.  People are now aware of this disease's name, if nothing else, and that's a huge step.  Plus, donations for the ALS Association are up $3 million dollars from the same point last year!  That's great!  Money=research=progress.  And for anyone who has seen this disease up close, any step is a good step.

People have also wondered why the #IceBucketChallenge is even relevant.  Well, ice therapy is a valid and helpful therapy for ALS patients.  You can store that info away for Jeopardy one day :)

Below are some of my friends and my #IceBucketChallenge's.  Being performers, some of these are pretty damn funny and feature members of the Bari-Chunk Nation.  I hope you enjoy, and maybe consider starting your your own #IceBucketChallenge or donating yourself.  It is a good cause.  

Kyle Albertson

Danielle Pastin

Corey Bix

Alissa Anderson

David Portillo

Sarah Beckham-Turner

Susanna Phillips

Will Ferguson

New Merchandise!

T-Shirts for ALL voice types now available at;

http://bari-chunks.spreadshirt.com/

Sopranos

Mezzos

Tenors

Also, feel free to design your own.  I know these are a bit expensive, but I don't set the prices.  If I did, they all be $4.

Join the Bari-Chunks Nation.  Or not, up to you.

Information is probably important #BoycottParterreBox

So a few days ago, I put up a quick post about my plan to boycott Parterre Box.  I didn't really say much more than that, because, well, I was busy.  But now I've got a few moments, and would love to give you a few of the reasons why.

On July 30th, Baritone Michael Mayes posted an article from Huffington Post on Facebook written by a Met chorister.  The title of said article was "I have not had a Christmas with my family for 15 years." 

La Cieca (I'll call him that because I guess anonymity is a thing to be respected for bloggers) was the first to comment "Your buddy (name omitted) colleague really should have taken moment to glance at the Met's calendar before he accepted a job there."  Ouch, that seemed unnecessarily harsh. Besides being outright negative to begin with, that statement completely ignores the fact that the author obviously knew what the Met's schedule was like before he signed his contract.  He was just making a point to show the amount of time he worked, and on holidays to boot.

Mr Mayes explained the Christmas quote (much better than I did) and La Cieca commented "ER doctors make $200K a year."  Um, ok.  I state random facts too. "A horses penis, when erect, grows 3 to 4 times the size from when it is limp, proving that horses are growers, not showers." Unlike La Cieca's random fact, mine is true.  ER doctors in NYC average $300K a year.  And that doesn't include benefits, or overtime pay for working on holidays etc.  I'll assume LC (tired of typing La Cieca so damn much) was referring to Peter Gelb's claim that Met choristers make $200K a year.  That too, is incorrect.  I know this because 1- I read more than just Mr Gelb's press releases, and 2- I ASKED AN ACTUAL CHORISTER. More than one, in fact. Even with benefits included, the sum doesn't equal $200K a year.

The conversation continued, with other posters jumping in, mainly supporting Mr Mayes's post.  The main argument seemed to be LC saying Met choristers were overpaid, and needed to suck it up and quit their bitching.  Ok, he/she is entitled to their opinion.  I will say this though, your opinion is highly uniformed.  You should take a second out of your obviously busy schedule to read some other articles on the Met labor situation besides the ones Gelb sends to you to back.  Just a thought.

The conversation did veer off topic a bit, and LC seemed to take the stance that singing opera was something everyone could do. "Right: Singing is a magic art given to a very few; the rest of the world is Muggles."  Uh, not really a magical power, but it is a specific set of talents and skills that not everyone posesses.  Just like being a doctor, or a lawyer, or a teacher, or a janitor.  Not everyone has the skills or talent to be anything they want.  Singers were born with, and have worked very hard and long, to cultivate those talents.  That's how they got to be where they are.  If everyone could do anything they wanted, I would be a professional Lottery winner.  This opera thing is hard!

Harry Potter: Wizard, counter tenor

LC later in the conversation said "pointless to argue with singers."  Why, because you don't like losing arguments?  For someone who runs a blog about opera and singers, your lack of respect for singers seems unusual to say the least.

Back on the topic of the Met's labor negotiations, LC said "You're right: the Met should pay the chorus a million dollars a year and pick them all up in limousines to take them to work. Cancel all the new productions and for that matter don't stage any of the operas: just line the chorus up and let them make those sweet, sweet noises God put in their throats. And after the performance from the chorus dressing room the very first thing you will hear is, 'Uh, I asked for a PLATINUM toilet seat, not gold!'"  Are there such a thing as gold and platinum toilet seats?  I want one!  I'm sure LC was being facetious, but thats not even close to what the choristers are looking for.  They are looking for pay equal to the work they do.  And they are looking for honesty and accountability from the management of the Met.

Once again the conversation went off topic, and LC began making his point that "artist doesn't just mean singers."  His belief is that audience members are artists too, saying "the audience works almost as hard as the people on stage -- harder sometimes I think."  Wow.  LC must have never been on stage before in his life.  That shit is hard!  I know sitting in the audience is hard too, those chairs are so uncomfortable!  And listening?!  Don't even get me started.  Takes a true artist to use one of his 5 senses...

Other great quotes form this epic Facebook conversation include "I feel like I'm punching fog" in reference to having this conversation he/she instigated, and "Nobody is arguing that the chorus should be thrown out in the street or that their children should have their penicillin taken away."  In reference to this last quote, actually, Gelb is arguing that.  From Alan Gordon's Facebook page;  "During AGMA negotiations yesterday with the Met, we reminded Peter Gelb that there were several single mothers in the chorus who had severely disabled children needing constant medical care and other choristers who had children needing special medications, all of whom would be endangered if their health insurance was cut off when he locks out the performers, and we proposed that even if he fulfills his lockout threat on 8/1 he should keep health insurance in effect until an eventually negotiated deal, so as not to intentionally and unnecessarily hurt his own people.  Gelb's response was that he had to cut off their health insurance to give him 'leverage' in the negotiations."  Ouch...

The conversation ran to a close as Mr Mayes grew annoyed with the pointlessness of the conversations, and told LC to bugger off.  LC ended his contributions to the thread by saying, "okay, you asked for it."  Mr Mayes asked him if that was a threat, LC never responded.

This kind of negative, ill informed crap is just too much for me.  That's why I'm boycotting Parterre Box.  To be completely honest, I never really read it before.  Just too negative.  This business is hard enough without people sitting on the sidelines throwing feces.  So, I'm boycotting, and I hope you do too.

Oh, and then there is this- after posting on this blog a few days ago that I was boycotting, I received this comment.

Wow.  Threats?  Really?  That is one loyal following LC has there.  I have a quick response to this "anonymous" poster.  Fuck you.  Don't threaten me.  If this is how you spend your time, threatening people who write satirical blogs with a limited following, I suggest you find yourself a better hobby.  Maybe dressing up cats, or just masturbating to old opera recordings. Maybe finding someone willing to hug you. Something.  In the mean time, kiss our Bari-Chunk ass.

#BoycottParterreBox

Boycott

After reading an extremely lengthy thread on Facebook about how spoiled the Met choristers are, I have decided to take a stand on this whole issue. My position is this- Boycott Parterre Box. That's right. You heard me. Boycott parterre.com. It's owner stated that the choristers wages are too high, and all they want is platinum covered toilet seats, so I think his viewership is too high, and someone needs to crap on him, and Bari-Chunks is full of crap. So I'm starting the hashtag #BoycottParterreBox. Join the revolution. Blogs are dumb anyway.

Post script-

Any blog that calls Bari-Chunk David Portillo 'the poor man's Stephen Costello' is clearly out of touch...

Interviews, information, and insanity

Well hello there, Bari-Chunk nation.  How are you today?  That's good to hear.

I wanted to point your attention to a friend of mine's YouTube Channel.  The friend- badass, baller soprano Tamara Wilson.

The YouTube Channel- Exit Stage Left.  Filled with useful information about the biz, hilarious insights, and fantastic interviews (including Bari-Chunk Jamie Barton), this Channel has it all.  I highly recommend you spend some time watching, learning, and laughing.

Exit Stage Left

I became inspired with Ms Wilson's interviews, and decided to give it a shot myself.  Below is my interview with Bari-Chunk, Wayne Tigges.  Don't think I quite got the hang of interviewing yet...

Our Roots are fading. Better get back to them

Where're the Real Men?  Looking over the past few months of Bari-Chunks posts, that's the question I find myself asking.  It seems like we have been neglecting our roots.  Best tend to them.  So without further ado, more low voices for the Bari-Chunk Nation.


First up- David Adam Moore

Well, hello handsome

David Adam Moore, baritone, and poster boy for the Barihunk world (the top search on Barihunk this past month was "David Adam Moore shirtless") has been praised for his "virile command" and "big, handsome voice," David is known for his portrayals of roles such as Mercutio in Romeo et Juliette, Zurga in Pearl Fishers, Silvio in Pagliacci, and a slew of modern opera roles.  This past summer he debuted the role of Joseph DeRocher in Dead Man Walking at Des Moines Metro Opera.  David's portrayal was intellectual, passionate, and just plain badass.  That earns him the Bari-Chunk title.  That, and his devotion to L. Caprice and personal sponsorship of Depends Undergarments.  

Dead "Sexy" Man Walking

Mab

Next up- Jason Howard

I don't always sing opera, but when I do it looks this good

International Baritone Jason Howard is known for his powerhouse portrayals of roles such as Wotan, Jochanaan, Rigoletto, Macbeth, Tonio, Emile de Beque, Scarpia...shit, the guy has done everything.  And done it really well.  Called by reviewers, "the Wotan of our age," and "having a substantial range of vocal color," Jason has set his mark upon the opera world, and in a badass way. 

Wo-fuckin-tan

I was not aware of Mr Howard's badassery until a friend was turned on to him. I had the pleasure of sharing a beer with him, and his amazing personality surpasses his fantastic baritone.  Barely.  That makes him an easy addition to the Bari-Chunks Nation.

Lil Wotan

Post Script-

In our continuing endeavor to promote good young singers (ok, its only the second time, but I hope to make it a thing) I'd like to give a quick shout out to young Bari-Chunk Jeff Byrnes.  Known as Hoss to no one but me, Jeff is an up and coming Verdi baritone.  He is the real deal.  Besides his amazing instrument, Jeff is known for his amazing cheap t-shirts.  He is seen here posing in one.  

'Merica

You will hear this man's name again. World Class.

The Sexy Side of Bari-Chunks

The ladies looooooove the Bari-Chunks.  Below is Soprano Danielle Pastin (friend of the Chunks) posing in her brand spanking new Bari-Chunks t-shirt.  This is definitely going on the calendar.  For some reason I really want some pasta now...

Get your Bari-Chunk swag HERE

On a quick serious note, lots of serious and dramatic stuff is happening at The Metropolitan Opera.  An imminent lockout looms, and things are getting extremely heated on both sides.  Because I want to have a career and fear being blacklisted, I am taking the chicken shit way out and not voicing my true opinion.  All I will say is opera is not dying.  It is evolving.  Its not an easy process, but anyone who says the art form is dying, is lying.  And if they lie about one thing, they probably lie about other things.  Stay strong. 

Tenors are people too

I had a weird dream last night.  It was surreal.  So vivid.  In this dream, I was having a drink and conversation with Gandhi, Verdi, and Moe from the Three Stooges.  Verdi was going on and on about the vocal virtues of having tenors as his leading men, and not baritones.  Gandhi observed that tenor's voices don't represent the voice of the common man, and that their needs don't align with the needs of the many.  Then Moe jumped in saying that "Regardless of what range they sing, they all are people, and therefore represent some aspect of humanity, you knuckle heads."  Wow.  Deep.  Tenors are people too.  I know, I was as shocked as you when I came to this realization.  And if tenors are people, then they can be Bari-Chunks.  Mind=blown.

Moe the Wise Sage

Well, I guess I better nominate some tenors.  Sigh.  So with a great sense of reluctancy, here are the first ever tenor Bari-Chunks, or Chunkin-Tenors.  (Before I start receiving hate mail, I love the tenors, especially the ones who aren't asses.  Like these fine gents...)  

David Portillo

Native Texas tenor David Portillo, world renowned for his "glorious tenor singing" and "graceful tenor tone," has sung all over the US and Europe. Renowned for his Bel Canto voice, he is a high commodity in the opera world and well respected to boot.  His singing is inviting, and polished, urging audience to follow him on what ever journey he has begun.

Sh!t.  I'm on Bari-Chunk

Despite being a fantastic tenor, David is a fantastic colleague and friend.  Whether it be volunteering to help friends move (best non professional mover out there), always having a fantastic party mix ready at a moments notice, or leading a group in barbershop tags, PORTILLO (which if you know him, is the only proper way to type his name) is always the life of the party, or any other gathering.  His positive energy radiates from him and you can't help me affected by it.  Good times are always around David, and for that, we are proud to call him a Bari-Chunk.

Corey Bix

Fellow Iowan, Corey Bix, is becoming internationally known for his "powerful tenor" and "sweet-spot high notes." Renowned for his portrayals of characters such as Lennie in Of Mice and Men, Bacchus in Ariadne auf Naxos, and Erik in The Flying Dutchman, Corey is becoming wildly respected and sought after in the opera world.

I have no idea what this pic is from, but I'll be damned if I wasn't going to put it up

Corey, along with being a world class tenor, is also a world class riot. His infectious energy, is well, infectious. He is always up for a good time, whether it be drinking till the wee hours over the morning, heckling passers by, or serving up a mean game of flatu- tennis (don't ask, you don't want to know). He is the life of the party, even when you don't want him to be. 

Despite his light hearted nature, he takes his craft seriously. On stage he is totally immersed in his character. If you are in a fight scene with him, watch out. He has already crippled one bass-baritone...

Don't Mess With Bixy

Well, there you go. The first Chunkin-Tenors. I'm sure there will be more. After all, where would the opera world be without tenors? Excuse me while I go back to sleep and ask Moe what he thinks of this quandary....

Post script-

Who should be the next Bari-Chunks member?

Good Sangin is Good Sangin

Dear Bari-Chunks Nation-

As I have stated before, Bari-Chunks is NOT a site for fat singers.  Let me repeat that.  BARI-CHUNKS IS NOT ABOUT FAT SINGERS!  It is a place for us to come together as a group and celebrate good singing, regardless of body shape or size.  Yes, my friends and I sometimes use this site as a soapbox and vent (hopefully comically) about issue in the opera world (if you'd like to be a contributor, let me know), and yes we cast opera singers in movies and TV shows that have already been made (more to come soon, I'm sure, as I will be unemployed again soon) and yes we make Bad Singer Reviews (send your submission to badsingerreviews@gmail.com), and yes we promote our new line of merchandise (Bari-Chunk Merchandise.  Get yours now!), but the main purpose of this site is to celebrate good singing!  Why do people always think its about fat singers?!?!?  Its probably the blog's name, isnt it?  (Damn my keen sense of humor).  I named it Bari-Chunk as a little sarcastic jab at the much more popular Barihunks blog.  Thats really it.  My personal belief (and therefore this blogs) is that good opera can come from anyone who has the talent and the balls to go out on stage move the audience.  I don't believe having a 6 pack of abs or nice set of fake bewbs is a requirement for good opera.  And THAT is the purpose of this blog.

In the past we have featured singers like Bryn Terfel, Laurent Naouri, Todd Thomas, and Wayne Tigges.  We've featured actual Barihunks too- Craig Verm and Greer Grimsley.  Some of the aforementioned people actually wear the term Bari-Chunk with pride.  Literally.

Wayne Tigges poses in his Bari-Chunks T-Shirt 

(He's actually happy about, just looking tough for the camera)

And now, Bari-Chunk would like to prove its all inclusiveness by taking it a step further.  Today we would like nominate the first ever women Bari-Chunks.

First up- Jamie Barton

The Woman.  The Legend.  The Barton.

Opera News has praised her for "...sumptuous voice." and lauded her as "... a rising star."  But we don't need to debate her talent.  Hell, she won the Singer of the World Competition!  And she has her own Wikipedia page! (Jamie, you might want to update that.  I just put that you invented Tide Color Safe Bleach)

That thing looks more expensive than the World Cup

More importantly, Jamie is the bees knees.  Not only is she a true artist and force to be reckoned with on stage, she is one of the best people you could ever have the pleasure of meeting.  Whether she is recommending good BBQ, or laughing till she cries while playing Cards Against Humanity, or polishing off a bottle of wine (or two) with you, Jamie makes all things better.  Her smile lights up a room, just as her presence lights up the stage.  And did I mention she's the FRICKIN SINGER OF THE WORLD?!?!

Next- Elise Quagliata

Well hello Ms Mezzo

For those of you who aren't familiar with Ms Quagliata's work, boy are you missing out.  I have had the distinct pleasure of working with Elise, and I shall not soon forget it.  Her voice is like a silk set of sheets you slip into after a hard days work.  And her stage presence is like aloe on a sunburn.  Soothing, powerful, effective, and green.  (sorry, the sheets I was mentally picturing were green)

Elise regretting having that second G and T, 

or as Sister Helen in Dead Man Walking. Not sure which one.

To top off the amazingness that is Elise on stage, as a person, she's da-bomb (did I type that right?  Sorry, not really a phrase I often use).  Her wicked sense of humor, amazing personality, and willingness to always give a hug, are only of the few reasons why she is a Bari-Chunk.  Also, if the mood strikes her, and she has the time and energy, she will absolutely tear up a dive bars dance floor with reckless abandon. 

So there you go.  Proof yet again that ANYONE can be a Bari-Chunk.  So join in the fun and the Bari-Chunks nation.  Buy a T-shirt (men's and women's available), submit a photo for the upcoming Bari-Chunks Calendar, submit a video for Bad Singer Reviews, suggest a Bari-Chunk, or just read and enjoy.  

Post Script-

Quick shout out to Kenny "Guns" Stavert.  He was the first brave soul to purchase a Bari-Chunks T-shirt.  As you can see, even gingers can be Bari-Chunks :)

Ginger-Chunk

Kenny is performing the role of the Motorcycle Cop in Des Moines Metro Opera's production of Dead Man Walking.  He's also cover Joseph de Rocher.  He's the real deal, and you'll be sure to be hearing his name in the business a lot more in the near future.