Don't Be a D**k

Um, is thing still on?  Hello?

Damn, its been awhile.  My apologies to our 4 loyal followers.  Mea culpa.  I've been busy...and lazy...  Well, it's time I fixed both of those problems and put my energy towards something that matters; a Bari-Chunks blog post.  So here we go.

I try to live my professional life by one simple motto- "Be a better person than I am a performer."  I try to live my personal life by a less PC version of the same motto- "Don't be a dick."  I don't always succeed with either (usually fail miserably), but I do try.  Seems like everywhere I go, someone is being a dick.  DICKS ARE EVERYWHERE!!  But what can I do about this?  Well, I could do my best at living up to the good standards I set for myself and hope that karma and the universe sees fit to let it rub off on all the world making it a better place...or I could vent about it on a semi well-known blog.  Yeah, I'll do the second one.

As stated above, dicks are everywhere we turn, but there are a few places, situations, and groups of people that seem to force the dickish behavior, or dickhavior (TM) to the forefront.  Lets look at some of those, shall we?

1. Airports

Airports might be one of the most miserable places on earth.  You are forced to wait in long lines, pay ridiculously high prices for food and drink ($6 for a bottle of water?!?!?!  Go home Hudson News, you're drunk), cram yourself into tiny seats on a giant flying metal dildo next to screaming babies and extremely gassy business men, and if you're really lucky, a high school drop out will "accidentally" touch your cash and prizes.

WHY DO I HAVE TO TURN MY HEAD AND COUGH?!

I can see why people are grumpy here but it seems many people feel the need to go the extra mile and earn the title, Captain Dick.  We all know who these people are.  They are the ones who stand on the left side of the moving sidewalk.  They are the goblins who fart in the seat next to you and pretend it wasn't them.  They are the gremlins who let their kids cry throughout the entire flight while they have their noise cancelling headphones on practicing their first round of public detachment parenting. They are the trolls who give the flight attendants attitude when they have to put down their Kindle Fire, free cocktail, enormous ego, and micropenis to acknowledge that they are sitting in an exit row and might have to open a damn door in the event of an emergency.  They are the trash monsters who deem their second carry on bag to be more important than your small suitcase and stow it in the overhead compartment, forcing you to gate check said suitcase and having to wait for it after the flight has landed causing you to miss your connecting flight.  Listen Carl, your man purse and custom made Tom Ford shawl can go under the damn seat in front of you!  DON'T BE A SCHLONG!!

2.  Grocery Stores

Food.  We all need it.  So why do people feel the need to act like spoiled children when it comes time to buy it?  I understand the desire to find the freshest peach, but do you really need to squeeze, smell, and lick every peach before you pick one?  And do you think that the 15 items or less sign applies to everyone but you or did you just never learn to count?  And for the record no, four different types of Doritos do not count as just one item.  And the dickery isn't limited to the inside of the store. Oh no. The parking lot is usually much worse.  Navigating a car through a maze of unreturned shopping carts (how hard is it to push the cart to one of those cart corrals, seriously), oblivious pedestrians who apparently like tempting fate by slowly walking to their car in the middle of the road with their entire family spread five across like range animals, and trying to get around that one car who has been waiting for 10 minutes for that "one" spot because it is closer to the Starbucks inside, is enough to make the Pope drop the F bomb.  Speaking of parking lots, the lines on the ground are not just concrete graffiti.  They are conveniently situated as to give you guidance on where to dock your land tank, ma'am. Please try to use them. Also, your extended length SUV is not a compact car, you WIENER!

This is the winter of MY discontent

Along the lines of parking lots...

3. Handicapped Parking Spots

Unless you have a sticker, license plate, or other legal designation on your car that says you can park in a handicapped spot, DON'T PARK THERE!!  I don't care how full the lot is, I don't care how hung over you are, I don't care if you only have five minutes until a veggie tray has to be at the PTA meeting or Janet will lose her shit again and you can't handle it right now. Do not park there.  I will find you.  DON'T BE A JOHNSON!! You either, Janet.

4. Ordering food

What is with this latest craze of being extremely particular when ordering food?  "Um, can I have the buffalo chicken sandwich but instead of buffalo sauce, can I get a Cuban rub instead?  And instead of chicken can I get a fish?  And is the bun 14 grain AND gluten free?  And instead of the fries can I get some fresh spinach mixed with some raptor eggs and the blood of a freshly slaughtered room temperature pigeon?  And can you make me a sample first so I know if I'll like it? Also, please remove this ice from my water with your hands. The coldness isn't ayurvedic. You know what, just bring that all on a yoga mat."  Settle down Todd, you're at Applebee's.  It always seems like these ass clowns are also the ones who get really particular about splitting the check at the end of the night.  "Well I didn't really have 1/2 of that appetizer and you used part of my butter so..."  And you know they only tip 10%. If you can't order like a grown ass adult then sit at home and eat your individually portioned sadness from a cruelty free plastic bag on your organic high horse all alone.  Ugh, DON'T BE A WANG!!!!

Pretty sure she's gonna spit in your food, Todd

5.  Driving

One of the few places where being a dick can kill someone.  We've all done dickish things while driving; texting, talking on the phone, screaming "GET A HAIRCUT, YOU PENIS" at someone who cuts you off (true story), but some people have taken it to a whole other level.  I have some questions for these people.  Ladies (or men) who put on makeup while driving- how long until your nostril hair shines with 2015's lip gloss color of the year?  Person with their laptop out- does Apple Care cover your Macbook if it's impaled in your stupid face?  Hefty guy with a Chipotle burrito bowl in your lap- WTF, man? I'm sorry your insurance sucks but the plastic fork tonsillectomy is not the way to go. Also, when driving, don't be that guy who drives past all the stand still traffic just to try and get over at the last minute.  Just don't.  You are the worst kind of human. I will never let you in and I'll probably call you a penis. #partoftheproblem DON'T BE A MUSHROOM STAMPER!!

If I close my eyes while I eat this the sensation is majestic

Along the same vein...

6.  Bicyclers

Ok, so you're saving the environment and burning butt loads of calories by biking to and from work. Congrats.  Your calves are glorious. Your ass is a beacon. Go home and throw yourself a small carb free party.  You're a better person than I am but just in case you didn't know, YOU STILL HAVE TO FOLLOW ALL THE RULES OF THE ROAD!  That means you have to stop at a red light, that pedestrians have the right of way, and that you have to signal when turning.  And don't you dare give me the middle finger when I honk at you for cutting me off.  I am driving a half ton metal death machine and am thoroughly uninterested in a new head ornament. I super don't want to kill you, Walter. It would jack up my Wednesday real good and yours too, BTdubs.  Also, I will already be two beers in at the bar by the time your sweaty ass gets there. #yesIwilluberhome Who's winning now?!  DON'T BE A ONE EYED MONSTER!!!

Not cool, Walter.

7. Bars

We are all there for the same reason.  To drink until we can't feel feelings anymore.  So be patient when in line at the bar.  Don't be that guy who squeezes his fat ass into a small opening at the bar and then smiles at the person whose drink he just spilled as if to say "Don't mind me and my shoulder hair, I'm just here to drink and awkwardly stare at the female bartender". Don't be the hipster with her nipples out trying to get her Michelob Ultra faster than everyone else. That's cheating, Barbara, and no one likes a cheater.  DON'T BE THE BALONEY PONY!!!

Hygiene Barbara. Hygiene.   

8.  Audience Members

It doesn't matter if you're in a movie theater, at a play, or at the opera, there are always dicks in the audience.   For the record, when the PA system asks everyone to turn off their cell phones, THAT MEANS YOU TOO!!!  Unless you are a doctor who is on call for a last minute surgery and you have some medical condition that keeps you from feeling a vibration, TURN THE DAMN THING OFF! Getting Megan's text about her date last night can wait until we are all finished enjoying The Notebook.  She will understand.  (Quick side note about those announcements they make at the beginning of the shows - why do they say turn off your cell phones and beepers.  Who the hell still uses a beeper?  Probably Todd. Anyway, it just bugs me.)   This mainly applies to opera and theater audience members but how hard is it to open a hard candy or cough drop without reenacting the first act of Stomp?  Seriously, nothing that small should be that noisy.  Side note: what about classical music gives people insatiable cravings for Werther's? "God, Che gelida manina just makes me want caramel flavored wax SO BAD CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP!!!" DON'T BE MR. WINKY!!!!

De Niro in Cape Fear is less annoying than your incessant texting

9.  Audition Hallways

OMG.  As already addressed in previous posts, audition hallways are the worst.  They are crowded, smell of 50 years of depression and self loathing, and can suck your soul faster than a Dementor.  The addition dickhavior (TM) only makes those hallways worse than Donald Trump's Presidential Campaign.   If you feel you might be one of those people who exhibit dickhavior (TM), ask yourself these simple questions- Do you talk about your resume to people you have just met?  Do you hog the one of the limited stalls in the bathroom to warm up?  Do you say judgy things about other people's outfits behind their back? Do you take up four sitting spots for your suitcase, coat, and hair products? Is today your first day trying natural deodorant?  Are you crashing the audition?  If you answered yes to any or all of the previous questions, then you are exhibiting dickhavior.  Stop it.  DON'T BE A MAGIC SKIN FLUTE!!!

Pictured: Mordor

10.  Social Media

Facebook and Twitter (or as I call them Twitbook (TM)), can be a glorious things where people can stalk the crushes they never had the guts to ask out, catch up with their old high school shop teacher, post their food porn pictures, kitten videos, GOFUNDMEs, selfies, etc to the delight of all their followers.  There is a downside to social media (well, many), it gives people a place to express their opinions.  Opinions that, 8 years ago, were saved for your closest friends or were swallowed whole during family drunksgiving once a year. Now, I know what you are going to say, and no, I haven't been drinking (visit my GoFundMe page for details http://www.gofundme.com/3829t8rw).  I get the irony of me expressing my opinions on social media about the dickishness of expressing opinions on social media, but I'm a walking contradiction.  I just can't help myself.  Way too often on social media, comments or discussions turn very negative, very quickly.   It's totally understandable that not everyone will see things the exact same way when it comes to hot button issues, but is it really necessary to whip out the dickhavior (TM) just because you don't agree with someone?

We can't even agree on the color of this dress...it's black and blue, you monster!

You don't agree with me that Obamacare is a great first step forward towards all people in this country getting the quality of life we all deserve?  That's fine, but why did you feel the need to compare my mother to a pile of shit left by Hitler's dog?  You don't believe, as I do, that Chicago Cubs will win the World Series in the next 5 years?  Cool, but telling me that idea is as stupid Jared from Subway opening a daycare center is just mean.  Why must you be so mean?????  DON'T BE A PORK SWORD!!

What's my point with all this venting?  I'm glad you asked.  We all exhibit dickhavior (TM), myself included.  But why?  It's a question for which I don't have an answer.  Is it our "Me First" society?  Is it the negative tone of the people we look up to? The politicians, the newscasters, the comedians, the musicians?  Is it that life is just so damn hard?  Or is it because we just don't take time to think of others over ourselves.  I don't know.  All I do know is that it is easier to be a dick than not to be a dick.  But easy isn't always best.  #DontBeADick

Audition season: The season that keeps on taking

It's that sacred time of year once more. The season where singers from all over the country flock to New York. The season where they spend what little money they have in hopes that they can make more money. The season of cold and flu. The season of sleeping on couches. The season of awkward meetings with that one singer you flirted with while drunk last year. It is audition season.

Having been through quite a few of these seasons, I feel it my duty to pass down some of my wisdom to the rest of the auditioning world. Bits of advice, observations, and useful (or useless) info that will help you survive the NOLA experience.  

1. Remember, no one wants to be there. No one. Not the singers, not the pianists, not the agents, not the companies, not the guy who rents the rooms. Ok, that's not fair. Everyone wants to be there in theory but after weeks of schlepping through tourists, sweating, sitting, absorbing strangers energy, and 5,000 versions of Ach ich fuhl's, everyone is ready to spend three glorious, pants less days binge watching Netflix, preferably from the inside of a cheesecake. But it is a necessary evil and an important part of how the business works. It's a tradition, one we all take part of, and we can't change it no matter how much we bitch about it- much like Columbus Day or your drunk uncle's retirement party.

"THANKS OBAMA!!"

2. NOLA (and all audition places) are Satan's domain on earth. While some are better than others, (Opera America's new place is amazing!) audition venues are where happiness goes to die. They are cramped, smell, manage to be hot, cold, humid, and dry at the same time, and have horrible acoustics. Some of those rooms are like singing into an upholstered mouth. These are just facts and we all just need to accept it and move on. Myself included. I know it's hard but we can do it. One more thing before I move on #IHATENOLA. Ok, I feel a little bit better.  Basta cosi.

                       

                               "The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places"

3. Dress appropriately for an audition. Ladies- if I'm worried your nipple might pop out or that if you bend over I might see your spanx clad cash and prizes then you probably need to rethink your audition dress choice. Guys- if your jacket looks like you stole it from Liberace's closet, you might want to tone it down. I'm not a snob. Pretty much the opposite actually but look like the professionals you are. No one wants you to look like a banker (please God no) but this ain't prom and it ain't a frat costume party. As a very wise man and mentor once said "Don't let the dress sing before you do" You are applying for a job!! Look like it.

"I'm sorry we can't hear you over your cape"

3. Wear deodorant. Please. Pretty please. People sweat. It's just the way it is but that doesn't mean you need to smell like two homeless guys swinging diapers full of rotten eggs fighting over an old order of Indian food.  Be courteous.  Don't smell.  We all have to breathe the same air.  And on that point...

4.  Don't poop in NOLA.  Just don't.  Plan your day accordingly.  There is a Starbucks around the corner.  There is a Subway down the street.  Plenty of places to let the kids go swimming.  Just don't do it at NOLA.

5. Do have confidence but don't think your audition is more important than anyone else's.  We are all there for the same reason.  To hopefully get work.  We all want to do well.  We all want to be at our best so don't act (or say) how your audition is soooooooo important.  It's really not.

6.  Don't bring so much sh*t to your audition.  There's not that much space.  Do you really need a giant purse, carry on bag, and a suitcase?  If you just came from the train station/airport, I understand.  But if you're bringing that stuff for any other reason, don't.  It takes up too much space in an already small area. You know that guy who brings his bicycle on the A train at 59th street at 5 p.m.? Don't be that guy.

7. Don't be late.  This should really be Number 1 if we're going by level of importance. Just don't.  Ever.  It screws up everyone's day.

"10 minutes late?....that's a paddlin'"

8. Don't get there too early.  You will regret it.  But see #7.

9. No one in that small little hallway cares what's on your resume.  You can use this handy tool when trying to decide whether or not talking about your resume is a good idea. Ask yourself "Should I pull my penis out right now?" "Do you think that girl would like to talk about my penis?" "My penis is pretty impressive...maybe I should talk a little bit loudly just about where it's been this year?" Now replace "penis" with "resume". The answers to the questions are the same

9a.  Don't name drop either.  ie- Don't talk about all the penises you know.

10. Do be respectful of the other singers.  We all have our own "pregame rituals."  We all have things we need to do to get us in the right mind set.  Be respectful of other's space, and let them do what they have to do to get through the audition.  Even if they are your BFF in the whole entire world, let them have their space if they need it.  They will thank you for it later.  Unless they tap dance or goat scream to get ready. You can totally point at that person. That being said...

11. Don't sing in the hallways.  It's just rude and kind of annoying.  I know it sucks huge giant donkey balls that there is no warm up space provided for us, but sadly, that's just the way it is.  We all have to suffer.  I am as guilty as anyone when it comes to this offense.  I believe a quick check in with the voce before you step in the door is ok but singing through your aria, even at a whisper, is really annoying.

12. Know what is appropriate to talk about with your fellow singers.  Things like "How have you been?" or "What's new?" or "Where are you living?" or "Where are we drinking after this?" are fine and excellent questions to ask.  Things like "Where are you working?" or "How did you get your agent?" or "Do you think they'll want to hear my german aria?" or "Do you think I'm a heldentenor?" are not appropriate.  They suck.

13.  Don't cough.  You will freak everyone the f**k out.  Coughing in NOLA is like yelling fire in a crowded theater.  If you do have to cough, make sure you cover your damn mouth!  That's just basic common courtesy.

"And YOU get Ebola! AND YOU get Ebola!!!"

14.  Do be supportive of your colleagues but don't listen at the door to other people's auditions.  That just reeks of sadness.  And it will mess with your brain. A wise person once said "Your succeess has nothing to do with someone else's failure". The opposite of that is true as well.  Be yourself.  Do your thing.

15.  Don't crash auditions.  I know it seems like a good idea.  A good way for a company that didn't grant you an audition to hear how wonderful you are.  But don't.  It screws everyone else up.  They have a schedule that they try to keep and if you crash it throws the schedule off.  Then things run behind, accompanists have to leave, people get mad at you, and children find out Santa isn't real.  Don't ruin Christmas for kids!

"He told me the Easter bunny isn't real either!! IN GERMAN!!!"

16.  Just do your thing.  Know why you are there.  Know what you need to do in order to do your best. Respect everyone else. Get in, do you, get out, and go on with your day. And get some ice cream. You deserve ice cream now, dammit!  Mmmmmmm, ice cream...

A Bountiful Bunch of New Bari-Chunks

We've been a little lax in our duties of adding singers to our Bari-Chunks Nation. Our bad, that's our fault.  We've been busy making music videos and having a campaign with Barihunks (#BariChunks014). So let's get back to what it is we do here, promoting good singing regardless of sex, looks, political affiliation. Let's do this.

Danielle Pastin

I should have done this one (along with a few others who I promise I will get to) a long time ago.  One of the first true supporters of Bari-Chunks, Danielle Pastin is a soprano without compare. She is renowned for her portrayals of such heroines such as Mimi, Violetta, and Nedda, and despite what people say about her, she's a one of a kind jewel.  Always up for a bourbon, a FaceTime chat, or an inappropriate game of Cards Against Humanity, Danielle is always up for a good time.  All that plus her unselfish willingness to join in the idiotic games we play here at Bari-Chunks, makes her a no brainer for the BC Nation, and we truly apologize for the delay.  Also, if Chopped has an opera episode, I nominate Danielle.

Nathan Stark

Bass Nathan Stark's delightfully wicked sense of humor and unabashed love for Taco Bell make him an obvious choice for the BC Nation.  Oh, that and he sounds like a god. Like if a god was having a good vocal day. His voice is rich and powerful from top to bottom.  If you have the chance to see him do anything, whether it be Sparafucile, Mustifa, or Leporello, run, don't walk to see him.  

Cindy Sadler 

Mezzo Cindy Sadler's deep, rich, melodious tones have been heard in a bevy of roles, from Baba, to Prince Orlovsky and back again.  Her delightful personality, superb sense of humor, and deep devotion to the education of young singers through her master classes, seminars, (http://www.thebusinessofsinging.com/index.html), or her fantastic blog (http://www.mezzowithcharacter.com/) make her an easy addition to the BC Nation.  

Corey McKern

Corey McKern, baritone, is as good as a guy as you can find, and despite his wife's wishes, is being added to our fantastic little band of singers.  Known for his portrayals of such opera greats as Figaro, Silvio, Sharpless, and Hamlet, along with his good natured humor and southern charm easily make him one of the good guys.  And ask about his life motto, WWFSD?  Wise man, that Corey.  

Tamara Wilson

Already mentioned in this blog for her fantabulous YouTube Channel, Exit Stage Left, Tammy is also one hell of a singer. Performing such power house roles such as Aida (this season at the Met), Norma, and Amelia, she is a force to be reckoned with on the stage.  Oh, and she's one of the coolest people you will ever meet.  Welcome to BC, Tammy :)

Andrew Stenson

I hate doing this.  It goes against everything I feel is natural.  On the one hand, tenor Andrew Stenson is a ridiculously talented singer and performer on his way to the very top of our business.  On the other hand, like everyone else, I hate him.  I mean, look at him!!  Ok seriously, Stenson is amazingly talented, and he is a good guy.  Funny as hell, great cook, fun drinking buddy, and good friend.  He's BC all the way.  

There you go.  More Bari-Chunks goodness.  

MUSIC VIDEO!!!!

Well, we must be really bored, because we made a music video.  Thanks to all the Bari-Chunks Nation that joined in the craziness.  So, without further ado, I give you "All About that Bass."  Remember Nation, "every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top."

All About that Bass

We Just Keep Chunkin Along

And a good morrow to the Bari-Chunks Nation! Today we have threesome of new members of the Bari-Chunks Nations.  Full of beefy tones and hearty laughs.  Enjoy

Andrew Wilkowske

Baritone Andrew Wilkowske has been lauded for his "charming, energetic, and pleasant tone," and his "rich tenor" (yes, he's a baritone, and yes this goes to prove my long standing mistrust of critics).  Despite the critics obvious gaff, Andy is the real deal.  He has the uncanny abiility to bring any character to life.  Whether it be Figaro and Taddeo or Noah (Grapes of Wrath) and Ponchel (Silent Night), Wilkowske brings a light to the character that shines through.  You can't help but watch his every movement.  He draws you in, and won't let you go.  Kind of like a kidnapper.  

Seen here is his early failed porn career

Besides his badassness on stage, his off stage persona is what makes Andy great.  Whether he's letting you try one of his home brewed beers, playing with his 2 kids, or creating a rock recital entitled "Guns N Rosenkavalier"- the melding of art song and rock songs. Mash-ups and songs include Brahms, Bruce Springsteen, Guns N’ Roses, Strauss and Van Halen.  "Guns N’ Rosenkavalier will confound your expectations and celebrate the universal in music. A great song is a great song, no matter the genre!"  Sounds like a winner to me.  

Footnote- Andrew Wilkowske is the only man I've ever kissed on stage.

Chad Shelton

Many of you might have seen Tenor Chad Shelton's calendar shoot for Bari-Chunks.  If not, here's a quick peek-

Shelton has a piercing tenor sound, and not in that "loud obnoxious way", in the "you will never have to tell the orchestra to play softer" way.  He's been praised for his "vocal acuity" and "rich, ringing tenor."  Shelton has mastered roles such as Pinkerton, Don Jose, and Alfredo.  He is now using his booming voice to reach into the Wagner repertoire with roles such as Froh (Das Rheingold) and Georg (Flying Dutchman).  

Get that high note

On top of being good and loud on stage, he is a man's man.  If it's time to watch a football game, or you need some wings, or someone to shoot 18 holes with, or if you just need some one to have a beer (or several, or too many, or HOLY CRAP HOW DID I GET STUCK IN THIS TWISTY SLIDE AND WHERE IS THAT CHEESY BREAD I WAS EATING) with, Chad Shelton is your man.  Never a dull moment with this guy.  NEVER.  There was this one time, before a show... Well, you get the idea.

Kevin Burdette

Bass Kevin Burdette might be the craziest man I've ever seen on stage and I mean that in the best possible way.  His comedy is brilliant.  If you clicked on his name above and visited his website, you might have seen that he has easter eggs on his page (easter eggs as in hidden treasures).  Apparently, there are 70 throughout the page.  I just wasted 15 minutes looking for some of them.  His comedic performances have been compared to Jim Carrey, Groucho Marx, and Jerry Lewis.  And those guys couldn't sing the way Kevin can.  His commanding and versatile bass voice allows to him to sing a gambit of roles.  From Osmin and Leporello, to Mustafa and Bartolo, to Bottom and Mr Scattergood.

Kevin's golden comic personality onstage is only surpassed by his comic and caring personality offstage.  Fellow colleagues can attest to the kind of man Kevin is.  As a young pup straight out of grad school, I had the chance to work with Kevin.  I learned much from my time with him, and only most of it was comedy.  The first time I introduced him to my girl friend at the time, he threw a grape in her cleavage before even saying hello.  THAT'S comedy...  Also, follow Kevin on Twitter @Burdettekevin.  You won't regret it.

Kevin as Bottom and some other dude as Quince

Dating a Hunk, or Dating a Chunk

Recently, an article entitled "How to Date an Opera Singer" has been making the rounds on the interwebs.  You might have missed it due to the enormous amount of ALS #IceBucketChallenges, but it was a good quick read.  This got me and some of my friends thinking about the different types of opera singers and what it is like to date them.  And if there is two types of opera singers we know know best, it is Barihunks, and Bari-Chunks.

There are many differences between the Bari-Chunks Nation and the Barihunk World.  This is painfully obvious to anyone with eyes...or ears...or mouths filled with kale instead of cake balls.  But what's it like to date one?  What makes Barihunks tick, and what makes Bari-Chunks tock. Jessica Rosen, thedeparted, and Etta van Bourbon sat down and composed this comparison.  Now granted, this is only based on our experiences and wild accusations, but we feel this is something everyone will benefit from reading.

1. Barihunk: If you've fallen head over heels for a Barihunk, you've fallen for a leading man, or someone hoping to be a leading man.  This is important to know.  Because with a leading man, IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM.  Remember that.

Bari-Chunk: If you've fallen for a Bari-Chunk, you've fallen for a secondary man.  It's rarely about him, unless it's his Birthday.

2. Barihunk: If he has a show that day (or within the next calendar month), do what ever he needs you to do.  This includes sex, food, water, sleep, etc.  "I have a performance tonight that could make my career!"

Bari-Chunk: If he has a show that day, you might want to remind him.  There are many more important things in the world than a show.  "I have a show tonight?  Better put on pants."

3. Barihunk: Always carry hair products for him.  A bad hair day for him could cost him 10's of fans.

Bari-Chunks: Always carry bacon.

4. Barihunk: Flirting with other people is part of the job.  As a handsome leading man, he HAS to flirt with girls, boys, dogs, cats, Grandma, those baristas, that squirrel over there, etc.  His flirting could lead to a gig, or free hair care.  And it makes him feel good about his image.  This is one of those things you are just going to have to deal with.  (See #1)

Totally asking for it.

Bari-Chunk: You might have to get used to the fact that he talks dirty to pizza. There was also that one incident of croissant fondling...

so warm....

5. Barihunk: Sex is important to him, and he needs it.  Especially before gigs.  It might seem demanding, but he knows what he needs to have a good show.

Bari-Chunk: Sex is awesome.  We will do anything for you if you let us have it. Seriously. Anything.

6. Barihunk: After a show, you must be prepared to stroke the ego.  Tell him how good he looked on stage and how wonderful he sounded.  Also, be patient as he talks to donors, patrons, and fans.  It's best just to stay out of his way during this.

Bari-Chunk: Be prepared to tell him where the nearest open bar is.  It's way past beer:30.

7. Barihunk: If you get sick, please understand that he can't get what you've got.  He might stay in a hotel for awhile, but it's nothing personal.

Bari-Chunk: "I know you're sick, but can we still make out?"

8. Barihunk- Respect his gym time.  This is important.  His chiseled physique is one of his greatest weapons in the operatic world.

And what if this is the day he gets that coveted Bowflex endorsement?!

Bari-Chunk: Respect his video game time.  This is important.  His 14-0 season on Madden '14 is one of his greatest bragging rights.

9. Barihunk: Understand that while rehearsing and performing a show, he might seem distant.  He might seem to spend more time with his other leading colleagues than you.  It's ok.  This is still part of the job.

Bari-Chunk: Understand that he might lose some money in the backstage poker games.  He is sorry about that.

Not my whole "La cena e pronta" fee again!

10. Barihunk: Be willing to listen to him explain who the greatest Baritone of the 1980's was.

Bari-Chunk:  Be willing to listen to him explain who would win in a fight between Batman and Ironman.  (It would totally be Batman)

So, there you go.  We hope this helps all of you in the operatic dating pool.  There might be many differences between the Barihunk World and the Bari-Chunk Nation, but what is more impressive is what unites us - our love for the art form that is opera.  And pizza.  Everybody loves pizza.

Post Script-
Please remember that this is a satirical blog.  We're just having a little fun.  I feel I need to reiterate

this fact because most of the Barihunk world is a lot stronger than me, and could kick my ass.

ALS #IceBucketChallenge

Hello Bari-Chunks Nation!  Thought I'd take a bit of a break from the opera world and talk about something serious for a couple of seconds - people dumping ice over their heads.  It's a serious problem in America.  Hundreds, if not thousands, are dumping ice cold water over there head while being recorded.  It has gotten out of control...

But seriously, this challenge is a good thing.  The purpose of the #IceBucketChallenge is to raise awareness and funds for a worthy cause, ALS.  Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also known as Lou Gehrig's disease, is very serious and fatal disease that affects 30,000 Americans.  It is a motor neuron disease that causes nerve cells to break down and die. There is no treatment or cure, and victims of the disease slowly lose control of their body.  It is not a fun disease.  My grandfather, Kenneth Albertson, passed away from ALS in 1985.  I remember as a young child, watching him slowly lose his ability to speak, walk, swallow food, etc.  It was not pretty.

Not enough is known about ALS.  The #IceBucketChallenge is helping to raise awareness about a disease that FAR too little is known about.  Many theories have surrounded about how the #IceBucketChallenge came to be, and why people are doing it, and whether you have to donate if you do the #IceBucketChallenge, etc etc etc.  But does any of that really matter?  A disease that gets little attention is becoming part of the national vocabulary.  People are now aware of this disease's name, if nothing else, and that's a huge step.  Plus, donations for the ALS Association are up $3 million dollars from the same point last year!  That's great!  Money=research=progress.  And for anyone who has seen this disease up close, any step is a good step.

People have also wondered why the #IceBucketChallenge is even relevant.  Well, ice therapy is a valid and helpful therapy for ALS patients.  You can store that info away for Jeopardy one day :)

Below are some of my friends and my #IceBucketChallenge's.  Being performers, some of these are pretty damn funny and feature members of the Bari-Chunk Nation.  I hope you enjoy, and maybe consider starting your your own #IceBucketChallenge or donating yourself.  It is a good cause.  

Kyle Albertson

Danielle Pastin

Corey Bix

Alissa Anderson

David Portillo

Sarah Beckham-Turner

Susanna Phillips

Will Ferguson